Blood diamonds used to pay for Loh mansion

In a story almost too shocking to be real, university newspaper The Diamondback has paid off university president Wallace Loh to the tune of a $7.2 million mansion to overlook their harvesting of so-called “blood diamonds” in Côte d’Ivoire.

While showing off his new mansion to reporters, Loh denied allegations by Cow Nipple reporters, calling such ideas “ludicrous,” as he showed off his diamond encrusted toilet paper holder.

“The idea that the school newspaper has anything to do with the terrible diamond harvesting in Africa, and that they are paying me off to cover it up, is ludicrous”, he said as he held back a knowing smile. “Hey, have you guys checked out this wicked Comcast I got? They got me the porn channels and everything,” he later added.

Diamondback editor-in-chief Lauren Redding also refuted the allegations of harvesting diamonds in Côte d’Ivoire, stating, “Everybody knows that the best diamonds are in Angola” Redding then realized what she said and tried to confiscate the audio tape from a Cow Nipple reporter, calling him a racial slur.

College Park Police officers have declined the Cow Nipple’s requests for interviews and for justice, instead choosing to drive away on their new Ferrari squad cars.

—Luke Wienecke