Maryland Cow Nipple, Online Edition

DOTS Decides To Calm The Fuck Down

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 10:01:26 -0400

By Holly Cuozzo

The Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) is the campus organization that is in charge of parking passes and overall transportation throughout campus. During a meeting in the first week of October, those in charge brought forth a new policy for all workers entitled “Stop Being Assholes.”

“We thought that it was time we gave drivers a break from all of these parking tickets. We all understand that people come to visit this university very often and that sometimes they do not put enough money in the meter or know that they need a parking permit to park in certain lots but not others,” said Department Head Lisa O’Reilly.

The new policy was enacted due to complaints by students of friends, family and the students themselves getting ridiculous parking tickets and of parking permits being too expensive, among other complaints. The new policy states that DOTS workers must issue two warning tickets before a real one is issued. The person receiving the warnings will have their information put into the DOTS system, and the DOTS office will employ helpful staff members to explain warnings to drivers and help them prevent future charges.

“I was incredibly shocked when I went to the DOTS office and the workers there were able to help me. They didn’t just tell me to go online and request a review of my ticket; they actually called someone knowledgeable and got me the help I needed,” said Junior Max Johnson.

DOTS’s new policy went into action on October 4 and received much excitement from students and other drivers alike. Signs were also clearly marked in parking lots, stating whether and when a person could park there without a permit. With the new policies, DOTS hopes to prevent drivers from getting violations in the first place.

“Were tired of being sticklers,” said O’Reilly. “With these new policies, parking at this university can be an overall easier and more enjoyable experience. We never thought of this before—who would have known that being straight-forward with the rules and being somewhat lenient when they are broken would make everyone happier and less stressed?”

Yet Another Dropout Makes Millions

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 06:43:59 -0500

Following a recent trend, University of Maryland dropout Thomas “TJ” McMahan has made 57.2 million dollars by doing absolutely nothing. “I was feeling lucky, so I bought a lottery ticket. Turns out t was a winner,” McMahan said in an interview. The 2002 dropout said that the University had no impact whatsoever on his decision to buy the lottery ticket. “If anything my brief stint at the school should have taught me that the odds of winner the lottery are very slim and that it is just a ‘tax for stupid people.’” McMahan went on to say that dropping out was probably the best decision of his life and encourages others to do the same.

College Students Give Up Getting Laid

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 02:18:22 -0500

By Holly Cuozzo

As the wintry months commence, men and women all over campus begin to think about cuddling with “that special someone” while sipping hot chocolate with Bailey’s and watching movies about winter cuteness. However, a huge hole is put in this plan by the “No Shave November” fad. The once clean-cut men of University of Maryland gradually become rugged mountain men as the month goes on, and the fact that flannel shirts and fur hats with ear flaps are so warm makes these guys look more lumberjack-like than ever. Some girls are into this look, but the grand majority, sadly for these boys, is not.

Guys seem to get some weird sort of satisfaction from growing a gross-looking beard, thinking that it makes them a “man,” and while this may be true, it is also a fantastic significant other-repellent. For some men, a beard is a choice, much like a woman’s haircut—they choose to have it because it looks good on them. But this month does not separate the boys that cannot grow a beard from the men who can as much as it determines who can still look attractive with facial hair.

Girls simply do not dig beards, some guys may be shocked to hear. When girls imagine kissing someone, they usually don’t also imagine having to experience weird unkempt hairs and a mild face rash, but this is just what November relationships have in store. Major props to the guy that can pick up girls even with a small mammal on his face, but this just doesn’t work for everyone. But it’s great for guys who want to give celibacy a try.

And this trend becomes even more disgusting when girls begin to retort with “well, we just won’t shave our legs” in order to get their guys to shave their beards. Gross. Stop it. It’s one thing to be one of those feminists that doesn’t shave her legs for “moral reasons,” but when girls begin to use this as a way to make their guys shave, things begin to get out of hand. Nobody cares if people should be wearing pants this month, if you are a self-respecting female and you aren’t shaving your legs just to participate in No Shave November, you might as well adopt 36 cats and call it quits.

This month, the love lives will be as frozen as the quickly winter-ing weather, as the clueless students seem to be wishing. Just know that when you are sitting alone, drinking straight Bailey’s to deal with the single life, at least your face or legs are warm. Maybe December will be better.

Animal Used To Make Uggs Now Listed As Endangered

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 20:47:34 -0500

By Elaine Hunt

Uggs are a very popular shoe on the Maryland campus. What many wearers don’t know, however, is that the boots are made of genuine Oggskin. Oggs are large pack animals raised in the outback of Australia for their hides. This Sunday, September 30, Ugg Australia released an official statement on their website regarding the new listing of the Ogg on the endangered species list.

The statement read as follows:

We regret to inform our valued customers that as of this morning, the Ogg is now listed as an endangered species. As many of you know, our Ugg boots are made of 100% authentic Ogg skin. However, as we search for a new material with which to manufacture our boots, we will have to stop production.

Uggs rose to popularity in the winter of 2005, and have remained a staple in fashion since. Praised for their warmth and comfort, Uggs are arguably the most popular shoe on the Maryland campus.

Many students are shocked and disappointed by the news, especially as we approach the colder months.

“It’s kinda sad, I guess,” said sophomore Jessie White.

Ugg Australia will continue to manufacture its products that do not contain Oggskin, but these products currently only make up 7% of their sales. Until Ugg can find an equally high quality material with which to make their boots, their prominence will be put on standby.

Old Man Hijacks Stage At Romney Rally

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 20:43:18 -0500

By Sally Salem

     Columbus, Ohio–Mitt Romney was speaking to a crowd of college students in the swing state of Ohio when a weathered, fantastical mas magically appeared on stage and took the microphone from the Republican candidate’s hand. Wearing roughed up, long white robes and sporting a Marty McFly hairstyle, the man proceeded to speak as the crowed stared in awe.
     He identified himself as Osman the Wise, a sage from ages past, present and future, and issued a grave warning about the future of the United States should Romney be elected. “The whole nation’s dead, dead I tell you! Nuclear war with Iran has destroyed much of the eastern seaboard, the middle class is but a distant myth, and that goddamn Honey Boo-boo show is still fucking on.” The crowd’s eyes then began to roll as Osman embarked on a rant about how the Occupy movement is “humanity’s only hope” and that artists such as Rage Against the Machine should be “praised for their participation.”
     Osman then bid farewell to the earthly realm and poofed into a dusty matter. It is believed he has returned to the immortal ether where he is watching events on Earth unfold in the future.
     Some sources, however, have suggested the whimsical man was really former candidate Ron Paul, who is believed to have been continuously dropping acid with idealistic but misguided college students across the country since last May.

As the University House nears completion, President Loh has to decide between Amaranth and Vermillion Drapes for the Master Bedroom

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 00:05:15 -0400

“It is a very exciting time here at the University of Maryland,” President Loh said, “as well as an exciting time for myself. I cannot wait to move into my new pad.” Loh later said that he was disappointed by the size of the master bedroom, but that the walk-in closet and stone tiled master bathroom made up for it.
The blood diamonds use to finance this new “pad” did not leave enough budget for an interior decorator, Loh sadly observed. To fill this need, Loh is killing two birds with one stone.
The Student Government Association, as you may know, has a lot of time on their hands. After a year of doing practically nothing, even when actually doing something (voting against the GPA change), the SGA has taken to searching for new opportunities to fuck shit up in other facets of campus life. President Loh, being the economical problem-solver that he is, will be employing the SGA as his interior designers starting the oncoming spring semester.
The student population seems mollified with this decision. The Maryland Cow Nipple has a source who speculates that Loh would have turned to further cutting down athletic teams to finance the interior decoration, if he had not found a cheap option. The fat white boys on the football team were allegedly the next to go.

Botched Hand Signal Ruins Boy’s Night

Wed, 16 May 2012 22:23:02 -0400

by Max Mulitz
Reddened eyes and hushed voices told to the story for Wesley Joyce and Tom Galarraga late last Saturday night. What at first was a routine night of partying quickly turned for the worse as a result of a missed communication between the two men. “We were downstairs, y’know dancing, and uh, Tommy just sorta started grinding on this girl” said Joyce, “and he looks at me and gives me the thumbs up thumbs down signal.” Joyce responded with a thumbs up signal, and neither of the boys realized their error until they got upstairs in the light.

“Total butterface” Galarraga said, ”That’s a read Wes makes for me 99 times out of 100, I know he’s eaten up about it, he probably feels more bad than me.” Following the ill conceived thumbs up, Galarraga made out with the girl for 2 minutes and 41 seconds before the girl wandered off to find her friend. “I had a great angle, and I missed the call,” Joyce said. “Its one I’ll have to live with.”

Invisible Children Presents: Kony Island After the huge response...

Wed, 16 May 2012 21:44:51 -0400

Invisible Children Presents: Kony Island

After the huge response to the recent viral video “Kony 2012,” Invisible Children, Inc. has announced plans to open a theme park. Kony Island, a spoof of Coney Island, the New York neighborhood famous for its amusement parks, is the newest experiment on raising awareness.

The park will feature some of the traditional rides, but with an LRA twist. For example, the carousel will feature horrific images of children and dead bodies, the haunted house will feature horrific images of children and dead bodies, the petting zoo will feature children and dead bodies, and the roller coaster will feature two loops and a corkscrew.

“We want people to understand what is really going on in Central Africa,” said a spokesperson for Invisible Children. “People enjoy theme parks, so what better way to teach people about something than with fun?” The park will open at the beginning of the summer in San Diego, the city in which the organization was founded.

Sacrificial Rabbit Carcass Left in Front of Testudo Statue

Wed, 16 May 2012 21:32:26 -0400

by Glelby Shuck

Early Friday morning, a Communications junior who chooses to remain anonymous exited McKeldin Library via the front door. He was immediately greeted by a grotesque sight; a bleeding rabbit abandoned in front of Testudo. He reported seeing a tall, hooded man fleeing the scene of the crime, after hearing sounds likened to small animal whimpers and shouts of “YOLO!”

Investigators are still not sure if these whimpers were produced by the suffering rabbit or a couple having sex on the mall. Several UMPD employees doubt the credibility of the witness, because seriously, what is a comm major doing pulling an all-nighter?

The suspect’s intentions are still unknown; experts are working to put together a profile. Possible motives behind the rabbit murder include a literal Fear of the Turtle, Post-Traumatic Easter Disorder, or a sudden cult-like interest in the Animorphs.

The students at the University of Maryland have been expressing voracious opinions on the situation. Many believe that the culprit was being symbolic, perhaps recreating an exaggerated ending to the tortoise and hare story; they feel that the suspect tainted the renowned childhood fable. Students from all University of Maryland walks of life were edging to share their opinion on the incident.

“Brah… brah. He was probably just tryna get some Testudo luck with the bitches. Shoulda put some Natty on him instead. Testudo loves Natty,” said Mitch “Fuckin Ya Bitch” Carter, a sophomore Beta Rho Omega pledge. He then proceeded to bark like Rick Ross, rip off his lax pinnie, and chug a handle of Burnetts.

Trying to better capture the area’s response to the incident, the Cow Nipple reached out to well-known figures for statements, although this also proved unhelpful.

Alexander Song may or may not have been quoted saying, “I fucked with McKeldin first.”

When President Loh was reached for comments, he simply responded, “Loh-no!” and proceeded to chastise the Cow Nipple reporters for employing such terrible puns in their articles.

University of Maryland police are still searching for the suspect, armed with angry whispers about animal cruelty and a prepared charge of “Disturbing the Peace.” Not all law enforcement are on the same page, though. The Po-Aux think everyone should just chill out and have a donut.

Regardless of the donut discrepancy, all authorities are concerned about the possibility of similar animal sacrifices in the future. The Department of Agriculture has allegedly put their animals on temporary lock-down, although the Cow Nipple has looked into this claim, and is sad to report that they have merely closed the barn door. Fortunately, a source has confirmed that they have covered the hole in that one cow that you can stick your hand into or whatever, for fear that this weak animal would be the next target.

Police are assured that the university can come together to prevent this attack from being repeated, but aren’t too concerned. A campus police spokesperson wished to spread his hope that the culprit will be apprehended in the near future: “We’ve been in even more hare-y situations. This Too Shell Pass.”

If you have any information about the suspect’s identity or whereabouts, or need to report a similar incident, please call 301-314-DEADRABBITS-LOL.

Dear all those people I donated blood to,

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:49:00 -0400

Dear all those people I donated blood to,
Hey. How's it going? You probably don't know me, but you kind of do. You see, I've been donating blood for the past five years now as often as possible, as I have a particularly rare type of blood. Oh, I'm not going to boast and reveal what it is, as I'm not that kind of guy. Well, I'll give you a hint. It starts with the first two letters of the alphabet, and it's the opposite of positive. It's not that hard to figure out. I'll wait until you solve it, and meet you next paragraph.
If you're reading this, you better have finished that riddle. If you realized that you indeed have that type of blood, and you've been in some terrible accident or contracted some terrible disease within the past five years that required numerous blood transfusions, you're welcome. How's that life you still continue to lead, huh? Yeah, it was no big deal. I'm just a guy with a big heart and a dick to match. I gave you life-saving all too rare blood and asked for nothing in return. God, I'm awesome.

Even though needles make my tummy feel weird, and the sight of blood makes me pass out, I've managed to donate blood once a week for the past five years. Yeah, it was mainly for the free cookies and juice, and because I really wanted to bone the nurse that took the blood, but it was also because I'm just a swell guy. I love the power I have in my veins that allows me to save the weak people, such as yourself. Everything you did since the accident, I'm semi-responsible for, and you're welcome.

So what did you do with that prolonged lease on life that I generously gave you? Have a few kids? Yeah, I'm responsible for those. Why not name one after me? Did you get a nice, high paying job, and marry a woman with a large posterior? Every time you feel dat ass, you shouldn't be thinking of sexytime, you should be thinking of me. I'm the reason you get to feel that booty, and not be in the cold, dark ground as you should be because of your lack of decent driving skills. Again, you're welcome.

Now, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to demand some kind of financial compensation for this deed that I do with no concern for my health and well being. I just do it for the good feeling I get every time I realize that someone walking down the street that should be dead totally isn't because of how kindhearted and selfless I am. That feeling is called a power boner, and it's the best kind of boner.

However, I would like some kind of thank you. After all, I have been putting numerous “you're welcome”'s in this letter, without hearing any thanks whatsoever. I'm starting to get mighty restless about this. How about some flowers, or perhaps a membership to a cheese of the month club (no Edible Arrangements, though, as those are stupid)? Perhaps you take me out to coffee or something. I mean, it's not like I did anything, besides, oh, that's right, save your pathetic stupid life. Again, you're fucking welcome.

And even if you don't have my type of blood, mayhaps you know someone who does, possibly a parental figure. Without me, you could possibly be in an orphanage, praying that someone takes you, but oh wait, nobody wants to adopt someone with red hair, freakshow. You grow up maladjusted, and abnormal, and become a furry. Without me, all that could've happened to you, and it fucking didn't, did it, so you're welcome.

I don't take much to please, just a simple thank you and possibly a nice steak dinner. Then, who knows, I might choke on that steak, and you happen to know the Heimlich maneuver. You save my life, and we can finally call it squarsies. Because how else can you repay the gift of life? Oh, that's right, life is goddamn priceless. Without me, you're nowhere, pussy! I am a god. And until you acknowledge that, I will keep writing you letters. But who am I? Oh, that's right, the guy that donated the blood that saved your worthless life. You're fucking welcome.

Internet-Famous Feline Announces Candidacy for GOP Nomination

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:47:00 -0400

By Conor Scott

Mister Belvadere Purrington, famous on the popular video hosting website YouTube as “Keyboard Cat,” today announced that he will seek the Republican nomination for president in 2012. Frustrated by the impurrfect candidates currently in he race, Purrington was pressured from his millions of YouTube subscribers to consider throwing his cat-sized hat into the ring. Polls have already shown Purrington with a sizable lead over current front-runner Mitt Romney, with some voters joking that “the only position [Purrington] changes is where he sits when he wants to cuddle.”
Purrington hopes to capitalize on his position as a Washington outsider, having never served in any kind of political office in his life. Although his platform seems disproportionately focused on cat nip and back rubs, top Republican leaders are lining up to endorse the poplar cat. Florida’s Senator Marco Rubio, considered one of the most prized endorsements in the primary season, formally announced that he will be backing Purrington, citing that “Everybody loves him —on both sides of the aisle! Until today, an administration that effectively worked with both parties has seemed to be a wishful fantasy. Belvadere Purrington has a proven track record of bipartisanism, and I am honored to support him for the Office of the President!”
The main opposition to Purrington comes from a question of the constitutionality of a feline candidate. At a mere 13 years of age, Purrington is shy of the minimum presidential age of 35 years, surely outside of he range of a cat’s life. Belvadere’s lawyers have claimed that the law unfairly discriminates against cats, and instead asks that the Supreme Court consider allowing age to be calculated in Cat Years.
There is a lot of time in between now and the presidential election in November, but Belvadere Purrington seems very confident. Play Obama out of office, Keyboard Cat.

Deceased Student Remembered As Asshole

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:43:56 -0400

The University mourns the death of student Robert Ley, despite the fact that he was a total dickhole. Ley died Sunday morning of unspecified causes, leaving the College Park community befuddled and full of apathy for the death of the asshole. This is only the second asshole that has died this school year, with Robert being an even bigger asshole than the previous student, William Frick.

“I mean, I’m not happy he’s dead or anything, but man, was he a douchebag,” friend Herman Goerring remembers. “I remember one time when he made fun of the shirt I was wearing for a whole hour. It was really excessive and dickish.” Those surveyed that claimed to know Robert reported that they would not miss him all that much, as he was a pretty big fuckhead that put down everyone.

“You know how a lot of people say ‘only the good die young’? That was definitely not the case with Robert Ley,” College Park police chief Albert Speer said in a statement. “Nothing good about this guy,” he continued while yawning, revealing that they will not have a follow up investigation of the cause of Robert’s death because “meh.”

Robert had no major, and had mainly come to the university to party, taking away a spot at the university for someone who actually wanted to attend. University records show that Robert rarely attended class, and when he would, he would simply text other friends about how much he hated class. He would then get indignant if a teacher asked him to stop.

“Robert was always smiling, mainly because he had just done something shitty to someone,” Professor Victor Brack recalled to the Cow Nipple. “He asked me once for an extension on his paper, claiming his mother had died. He then asked for another extension a month later because his new mother had died as well. He was a pretty shitty student.”

A memorial service for Robert will be held on Sunday, but the Cow Nipple declines to give the address, as nobody would attend anyway. His family considered starting a scholarship fund, but realizing that Robert hated people, it would’ve been against his wishes, and have opted to do nothing instead. “It’s what Robert would’ve wanted,” his brother claims.

The only people who will miss Robert are his parents, and reportedly, his dog, but that doesn’t count, because don’t know if people are assholes are not. Robert’s fraternity planned on doing something for their fallen brother, but with the majority of them being assholes as well, reportedly at their last meeting they simply got drunk, started arguing over who has bedded more women this semester, and forgot about Robert.

Students Discover Nastiest Possible Swear

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:41:09 -0400

A team of undergrad students working in the University of Maryland writing lab yesterday discovered the worst swear the English language can muster while conducting writing research for their English class.

According to the police report, at around 5:34 PM EST, the students were conducting analysis of a supposed apocryphal Shakespeare play, Henry VII Stubbs Hys Toe Near Gloucester. The play seems to be an extraordinarily long rant by King Henry VII after stubbing his toe on a particularly literary rock near the city of Gloucester in southwestern England. The play begins mildly, with such common insults such as “cur” and “fool” giving way to complex and intricate strings of curses such as “bull’s-pizzle” and “crusty botch”, written of course in perfect iambic pentameter.

The third act comes to a climax when Henry, clutching his foot and hopping around in oath-laden pain, falls off a cliff. His last line, and the conclusion of the play, is the word “bin*****icker”. This word is so scurrilous, so scandalous, so patently offensive that even though Shakespearean scholars cannot determine its precise meaning, anyone who hears it or reads it becomes instantly enraged. Responses vary from growling and foot-stamping to bleeding out of one’s eyes and spontaneous bowel evacuation.

“It is thought that the mere use of the word sent Shakespeare into a fit of apoplectic rage, and he threw the play off the table and proceeded to start what may have been the world’s first barfight,” mentioned notable Shakespearean scholar Horatio Guildenstern. “This missing play has been rotting in the corner of some pub in England for centuries, and it is a miracle, albeit a distressing one, that we can experience it today.”

The word “bin*****icker”, which is supposedly pronounced to rhyme with “tin ***** wicker”, has been confiscated by FBI agents. The students reading the play were found so utterly offended that they had become unconscious, frothing at the mouth.

The FBI agents allowed the Maryland Cow Nipple to read parts of the word through a specially designed optical device resembling a periscope. This was done under the advisement of a literary scientist who claimed that the word “when read fresh off the page, is nearly one thousand degrees Melville,” and that the word needs to “cool down” in midair before any of it can be read safely.

“The world needs to read this play,” an unidentified federal source concludes, “but we cannot allow the word for general use. Think of what could happen if, say, Adam Sandler got his hands on this word. He’d do anything for attention. He would wear it on a t-shirt and have people attack him in the street, for Christ’s sake. Is that the kind of world you want your children to live in? One controlled by Adam Sandler wearing a shirt? This word is a matter of national security, and we intend to keep it under lock and key.”

The unidentified source proceeded to trip over a nearby rock, scream bin*****icker at the top of his lungs, and convulse violently.

BSOS To Offer "Sarah Palin Studies" Major

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:38:00 -0400

By Conor Scott

It’s the same story that any displaced Maryland swimmer, diver, or Latin major could tell you: the University’s budget situation is dire, and drastic cuts are being made across the board in an effort to save money. Sports teams, academic programs, and the president’s mansion are all being asked to show why they are necessary. This week, the Colleges of Behavioral & Social Sciences and Arts & Humanities released their joint plan to cut yearly spending and maintain their bottom line.
BSOS announced that it will merge its incredibly popular Government & Politics program with ARHU’s Women’s Studies program to create one all-inclusive academic field: Sarah Palin Studies. The projection is that, by consolidating faculty and classes, their annual operating costs will be cut by at least half. “It seems absurd” claimed Dean and Professor John R. G. Townshend, “that we offer programs to study political philosophy, but that we don’t have a program in place to study those political actors that are actually changing the world. We hope that this program will create a unique opportunity for our students to study something practical.”
This decisions has been met with heavy opposition from students and faculty members alike. Gerald Anderson, a sophomore Women’s Studies major, decried the decision, arguing that “there are so many more qualified female politicians in America. Where is the Hilary Clinton Studies program? Hell, I would settle for Introduction to Condoleezza Rice if I had to! Anything but Sarah Palin.” Some professors in Government and Politics have threatened to leave the department if the University approves the decision.

Technology is a miraculous thing. In 1999 the website RateMyProfessor.com was founded so that the...

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:35:53 -0400

Technology is a miraculous thing. In 1999 the website RateMyProfessor.com was founded so that the insufferable sort of person who complains constantly about his or her professor has something to do once everyone within earshot has left. Since then, any yahoo with a web browser has been able to post reviews of their professors for the benefit of prospective students. Here are some of the reviews of UMD professors.

Professor: Medusa, Carol

Class: Sculpture

Rating: *****

Comment: This professor is really fun and shows us the coolest sculptures! They look so lifelike, almost like they were real people. She specializes in sculpting college students for some reason. I don’t know why she insists on turning her back to us all the time, or why she doesn’t let us have mirrors in the classroom, but she sure can teach!

Professor: Midas, Richard

Class: Chemistry

Rating: **

Comment: Midas is an okay lecturer, a bit on the dry side, but he’s really bad when it comes to lab work. Whenever he attempts to demonstrate an experiment, all his equipment turns into solid elemental gold. I mean I’m no better at chemistry than anyone else, but come on! How bad do you even have to be to get gold by burning nitrogen? Also, the Cash 4 Gold people keep watching us through the window during lab and it’s really distracting.

Professor: Hydra, Ethan

Class: Herpetology

Rating: ***

Comment: This guy is enthusiastic about his subject, which is respectable and all, but there’s such a thing as going a little too far. It’s not even close to Halloween, but this guy insists on wearing his dorky snake masks all the time. Lecture is kind of distracting when your professor looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of over-sized vipers into a tweed suit, but it’s kind of boring - one of his heads falls asleep every lecture.

Professor: Minotaur, Sanjit

Class: Architecture

Rating: ****

Comment: Getting to class was kind of a hassle. I wandered around the empty hallways of the architecture building basement for hours looking for room 1001, and when I finally got there, the professor had a note on his door: “Out to lunch.” He came back soaked in blood but gave a very interesting presentation about Cretan architecture. A note to people taking this class: BRING A BALL OF THREAD. If you want to get to your next class at a reasonable hour it’s a must. Also, don’t talk to the professor about the human skeletons littered everywhere, he gets very upset.

Professor: Socrates, Michael

Class: Philosophy

Rating: *

Comment: This guy is INSUFFERABLE! He shows up to class and does nothing but ask questions. I thought he was supposed to teach us, but it’s clear he doesn’t know a goddamn thing. He brings up some vague topic like Courage or Love and asks us what it is, then keeps asking tangential questions until we come up with the answer ourselves or give up. How are you supposed to even grade that? I hear he doesn’t even get paid. Someone should do us all a big favor and slip some hemlock into that tea he’s always drinking. That should shut him up.

Internet Outages Due to Widespread Use of Pornography

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:30:46 -0400

    The Division of Information Technology announced today that the recent Internet outages were caused by thousands of guys and two girls viewing pornography Saturday night into Sunday morning. It is believed that this was due to Saturday night being a very unlucky one for the guys and two girls.
    “It is a well know fact that most porn sites can give your computer a virus,” a representative from the Division of Information Technology said. “With so many people watching Internet porn at one time, the viruses joined together to create one ‘mega-virus.’ The mega-virus then took over the wireless network disabled it.”
    When asked about his Saturday night, senior Alex Gunderson said that he never has a problem getting the ladies and was not to blame for the mega-virus. When asked if this was true, Gunderson’s next-door neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of Gunderson’s wrath, reported hearing “the sounds of pornography and masturbation.” When asked how he knew it was porn, the neighbor replied that he had been watching the same content on a loop an hour earlier.
    In the email, Division of IT said their, “network engineers continue to work on the problem in the residence halls and have engaged senior-level support from the equipment vendor (Cisco Systems) to help resolve this highly complex issue.”

ForGo the Vote!

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:48:14 -0400

As elections draw to a close, UMD presidential hopefuls in a show of bipartisanship announced today a plan to merge the two parties to form the ForGo Party.

“We aren’t just SGA,” former For Party candidate Jamil Scott said. “We represent a large number of perspectives, and it’s not like we’ll make any changes.”

The SGA is famous for its inability to do anything besides forestall the growth of student organizations, while being ignored by both the University of Maryland’s administration and the student body.

”Well, this initiave really started when we were listening to each other debate yesterday,” Scott, the foreman of the plan to unit the parties. ”GoParty Candidate Samantha Zwerling said something about creating 30 new positions, and I’m all for trying new positions, particularly ones that don’t lead to the delivery of lasting change .”

Rather than aborting this plan, Zwerling said, ”When I looked at his idea for the first time, completely unwrapped and in front of me, I was surprised by the amount of foresight he had.” Zwerling then detailed how the ForParty wanted to continue the nonexistent, nonnoticeable changes the previous administration, under SGA President Kaiyi Xie, made.

”We in the GoParty just realized we have similar goals,” Zwerling said.

With their announcement to merge the two parties, Zwerling and Scott announced the crucial part of their platform to an audience of no one, because the student body simply doesn’t care. ”We want each and every one of,” Scott began in an impassioned speech, ”To forgo voting.”

”After our talk of how we don’t create any real changes and how it’s kind of become a goal to show how little we do, we realized that just not doing anything wasn’t enough to discourage kids from voting,” Zwerling said in an interview. ”We’re at something like 10 percent. We now need to drop it to zero.”

”Just remember,” Scott and Zwerling said almost in unison, ”ForGo the vote!”

Rick Santorum Tells it to Plants

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 01:53:00 -0400

    In a speech recently given, Rick Santorum told people, “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is.” When no one took him seriously, he began “warning” plants of dangers of carbon dioxide.
    Santorum began a campaign to discuss environmental issues with plants across the country. He stopped at greenhouses, arboretums, national parks, and gardens in an attempt to get others to believe that global warming is a hoax. At first, Santorum’s attempts to communicate were wasted, but as he continued his campaign, he, and he alone, began hearing responses from the plants.
    When asked about the talking plants, Santorum said that they have been misunderstood and misrepresented. “Plants everywhere know nothing about global warming,” Santorum said. One of his aides said off the record that the candidate has seemed a little off ever since he began this campaign. When Santorum was reminded that the lettuce in his salad is a plant, he began sobbing uncontrollable repeating the phrase, “I ate my friends.”

-Michael Levy

Kony Island slated to open

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:44:15 -0400

—Michael Levy

Campus residents to be shuffled to solve housing crunch

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 12:13:00 -0400

University officials are contemplating sending out an e-mail announcing that all students not already accepted into Commons or Courtyards or part of the Honors program will need to find new housing, a Resident Life spokesman said at a little publicized press conference today.

“We just don’t know it’s the right time,” he said. “I mean, we have a definite decision. We just feel that it’s best to wait to let the students know. It’s not like making different arrangements is time-reliant.”

So far, only Wicomico students in the Honors program, who were alerted by an e-mail sent March 2 that they will move to Anne Arundel Hall, displacing approximately 32 Anne Arundel Hall rising juniors and seniors next semester, who were made aware of the decision March 12, according to an article appearing in the March 16 issue of The Diamondback.

The decision extends beyond Wicomico, which will be demolished to make room for Prince Frederick Hall, and Anne Arundel Hall, because Reslife wants to shuffle students around, and through last minute notice, prevent them from finding on campus alternatives to housing.

According to the spokesperson, the plan has been worked out to the smallest detail, down to the name of the students being denied housing; Reslife, just feels keeping students in the dark works best.

“What’s the rush?” he said in a later interview. “We know they’re being displaced and that’s what matters. Or they can read The Cow Nipple, like anyone does that.”

He also said this is the solution to the housing crunch. “You see, by limiting their options and limiting the amount of time they can look for alternative campus housing, we’ll have plenty of extra room,” the Reslife spokesperson said. “This is the solution to the housing crunch. Just prevent current students from being able to find on campus housing so that they don’t even bother applying. That’s how we’ll have plenty of room.”

— J. Bledsoe