DOTS Decides To Calm The Fuck Down

By Holly Cuozzo

   The Department of Transportation Services (DOTS) is the campus organization that is in charge of parking passes and overall transportation throughout campus. During a meeting in the first week of October, those in charge brought forth a new policy for all workers entitled “Stop Being Assholes.”

    “We thought that it was time we gave drivers a break from all of these parking tickets. We all understand that people come to visit this university very often and that sometimes they do not put enough money in the meter or know that they need a parking permit to park in certain lots but not others,” said Department Head Lisa O’Reilly.

     The new policy was enacted due to complaints by students of friends, family and the students themselves getting ridiculous parking tickets and of parking permits being too expensive, among other complaints. The new policy states that DOTS workers must issue two warning tickets before a real one is issued. The person receiving the warnings will have their information put into the DOTS system, and the DOTS office will employ helpful staff members to explain warnings to drivers and help them prevent future charges.

     “I was incredibly shocked when I went to the DOTS office and the workers there were able to help me. They didn’t just tell me to go online and request a review of my ticket; they actually called someone knowledgeable and got me the help I needed,” said Junior Max Johnson.

    DOTS’s new policy went into action on October 4 and received much excitement from students and other drivers alike. Signs were also clearly marked in parking lots, stating whether and when a person could park there without a permit.  With the new policies, DOTS hopes to prevent drivers from getting violations in the first place.

    “Were tired of being sticklers,” said O’Reilly.  “With these new policies, parking at this university can be an overall easier and more enjoyable experience. We never thought of this before—who would have known that being straight-forward with the rules and being somewhat lenient when they are broken would make everyone happier and less stressed?”

Yet Another Dropout Makes Millions

Following a recent trend, University of Maryland dropout Thomas “TJ” McMahan has made 57.2 million dollars by doing absolutely nothing. “I was feeling lucky, so I bought a lottery ticket. Turns out t was a winner,” McMahan said in an interview. The 2002 dropout said that the University had no impact whatsoever on his decision to buy the lottery ticket. “If anything my brief stint at the school should have taught me that the odds of winner the lottery are very slim and that it is just a ‘tax for stupid people.’”  McMahan went on to say that dropping out was probably the best decision of his life and encourages others to do the same.

College Students Give Up Getting Laid

By Holly Cuozzo

As the wintry months commence, men and women all over campus begin to think about cuddling with “that special someone” while sipping hot chocolate with Bailey’s and watching movies about winter cuteness.  However, a huge hole is put in this plan by the “No Shave November” fad.  The once clean-cut men of University of Maryland gradually become rugged mountain men as the month goes on, and the fact that flannel shirts and fur hats with ear flaps are so warm makes these guys look more lumberjack-like than ever.  Some girls are into this look, but the grand majority, sadly for these boys, is not. 

Guys seem to get some weird sort of satisfaction from growing a gross-looking beard, thinking that it makes them a “man,” and while this may be true, it is also a fantastic significant other-repellent.  For some men, a beard is a choice, much like a woman’s haircut—they choose to have it because it looks good on them.  But this month does not separate the boys that cannot grow a beard from the men who can as much as it determines who can still look attractive with facial hair.

Girls simply do not dig beards, some guys may be shocked to hear. When girls imagine kissing someone, they usually don’t also imagine having to experience weird unkempt hairs and a mild face rash, but this is just what November relationships have in store.  Major props to the guy that can pick up girls even with a small mammal on his face, but this just doesn’t work for everyone.  But it’s great for guys who want to give celibacy a try.

And this trend becomes even more disgusting when girls begin to retort with “well, we just won’t shave our legs” in order to get their guys to shave their beards.  Gross.  Stop it.  It’s one thing to be one of those feminists that doesn’t shave her legs for “moral reasons,” but when girls begin to use this as a way to make their guys shave, things begin to get out of hand.  Nobody cares if people should be wearing pants this month, if you are a self-respecting female and you aren’t shaving your legs just to participate in No Shave November, you might as well adopt 36 cats and call it quits.

This month, the love lives will be as frozen as the quickly winter-ing weather, as the clueless students seem to be wishing.  Just know that when you are sitting alone, drinking straight Bailey’s to deal with the single life, at least your face or legs are warm.  Maybe December will be better.

Animal Used To Make Uggs Now Listed As Endangered

By Elaine Hunt

Uggs are a very popular shoe on the Maryland campus. What many wearers don’t know, however, is that the boots are made of genuine Oggskin. Oggs are large pack animals raised in the outback of Australia for their hides. This Sunday, September 30, Ugg Australia released an official statement on their website regarding the new listing of the Ogg on the endangered species list.

The statement read as follows:

We regret to inform our valued customers that as of this morning, the Ogg is now listed as an endangered species. As many of you know, our Ugg boots are made of 100% authentic Ogg skin. However, as we search for a new material with which to manufacture our boots, we will have to stop production.

Uggs rose to popularity in the winter of 2005, and have remained a staple in fashion since. Praised for their warmth and comfort, Uggs are arguably the most popular shoe on the Maryland campus.

Many students are shocked and disappointed by the news, especially as we approach the colder months.

“It’s kinda sad, I guess,” said sophomore Jessie White.

Ugg Australia will continue to manufacture its products that do not contain Oggskin, but these products currently only make up 7% of their sales. Until Ugg can find an equally high quality material with which to make their boots, their prominence will be put on standby.

Old Man Hijacks Stage At Romney Rally

By Sally Salem

     Columbus, Ohio–Mitt Romney was speaking to a crowd of college students in the swing state of Ohio when a weathered, fantastical mas magically appeared on stage and took the microphone from the Republican candidate’s hand.  Wearing roughed up, long white robes and sporting a Marty McFly hairstyle, the man proceeded to speak as the crowed stared in awe.
     He identified himself as Osman the Wise, a sage from ages past, present and future, and issued a grave warning about the future of the United States should Romney be elected.  “The whole nation’s dead, dead I tell you!  Nuclear war with Iran has destroyed much of the eastern seaboard, the middle class is but a distant myth, and that goddamn Honey Boo-boo show is still fucking on.”  The crowd’s eyes then began to roll as Osman embarked on a rant about how the Occupy movement is “humanity’s only hope” and that artists such as Rage Against the Machine should be “praised for their participation.”
     Osman then bid farewell to the earthly realm and poofed into a dusty matter.  It is believed he has returned to the immortal ether where he is watching events on Earth unfold in the future.
     Some sources, however, have suggested the whimsical man was really former candidate Ron Paul, who is believed to have been continuously dropping acid with idealistic but misguided college students across the country since last May.

As the University House nears completion, President Loh has to decide between Amaranth and Vermillion Drapes for the Master Bedroom

   “It is a very exciting time here at the University of Maryland,” President Loh said, “as well as an exciting time for myself.  I cannot wait to move into my new pad.”  Loh later said that he was disappointed by the size of the master bedroom, but that the walk-in closet and stone tiled master bathroom made up for it.
   The blood diamonds use to finance this new “pad” did not leave enough budget for an interior decorator, Loh sadly observed. To fill this need, Loh is killing two birds with one stone.
    The Student Government Association, as you may know, has a lot of time on their hands. After a year of doing practically nothing, even when actually doing something (voting against the GPA change), the SGA has taken to searching for new opportunities to fuck shit up in other facets of campus life. President Loh, being the economical problem-solver that he is, will be employing the SGA as his interior designers starting the oncoming spring semester.
   The student population seems mollified with this decision. The Maryland Cow Nipple has a source who speculates that Loh would have turned to further cutting down athletic teams to finance the interior decoration, if he had not found a cheap option. The fat white boys on the football team were allegedly the next to go.

Botched Hand Signal Ruins Boy’s Night


by Max Mulitz
   Reddened eyes and hushed voices told to the story for Wesley Joyce and Tom Galarraga late last Saturday night. What at first was a routine night of partying quickly turned for the worse as a result of a missed communication between the two men. “We were downstairs, y’know dancing, and uh, Tommy just sorta started grinding on this girl” said Joyce, “and he looks at me and gives me the thumbs up thumbs down signal.” Joyce responded with a thumbs up signal, and neither of the boys realized their error until they got upstairs in the light.

   “Total butterface” Galarraga said, ”That’s a read Wes makes for me 99 times out of 100, I know he’s eaten up about it, he probably feels more bad than me.” Following the ill conceived thumbs up, Galarraga made out with the girl for 2 minutes and 41 seconds before the girl wandered off to find her friend.  “I had a great angle, and I missed the call,” Joyce said. “Its one I’ll have to live with.”

Invisible Children Presents: Kony Island
After the huge response to the recent viral video “Kony 2012,” Invisible Children, Inc. has announced plans to open a theme park.  Kony Island, a spoof of Coney Island, the New York neighborhood famous for its amusement parks, is the newest experiment on raising awareness. 
The park will feature some of the traditional rides, but with an LRA twist.  For example, the carousel will feature horrific images of children and dead bodies, the haunted house will feature horrific images of children and dead bodies, the petting zoo will feature children and dead bodies, and the roller coaster will feature two loops and a corkscrew. 
"We want people to understand what is really going on in Central Africa," said a spokesperson for Invisible Children.  "People enjoy theme parks, so what better way to teach people about something than with fun?"  The park will open at the beginning of the summer in San Diego, the city in which the organization was founded.

Invisible Children Presents: Kony Island

After the huge response to the recent viral video “Kony 2012,” Invisible Children, Inc. has announced plans to open a theme park.  Kony Island, a spoof of Coney Island, the New York neighborhood famous for its amusement parks, is the newest experiment on raising awareness. 

The park will feature some of the traditional rides, but with an LRA twist.  For example, the carousel will feature horrific images of children and dead bodies, the haunted house will feature horrific images of children and dead bodies, the petting zoo will feature children and dead bodies, and the roller coaster will feature two loops and a corkscrew. 

"We want people to understand what is really going on in Central Africa," said a spokesperson for Invisible Children.  "People enjoy theme parks, so what better way to teach people about something than with fun?"  The park will open at the beginning of the summer in San Diego, the city in which the organization was founded.

Sacrificial Rabbit Carcass Left in Front of Testudo Statue

by Glelby Shuck

   Early Friday morning, a Communications junior who chooses to remain anonymous exited McKeldin Library via the front door. He was immediately greeted by a grotesque sight; a bleeding rabbit abandoned in front of Testudo. He reported seeing a tall, hooded man fleeing the scene of the crime, after hearing sounds likened to small animal whimpers and shouts of “YOLO!”

   Investigators are still not sure if these whimpers were produced by the suffering rabbit or a couple having sex on the mall. Several UMPD employees doubt the credibility of the witness, because seriously, what is a comm major doing pulling an all-nighter?

  The suspect’s intentions are still unknown; experts are working to put together a profile. Possible motives behind the rabbit murder include a literal Fear of the Turtle, Post-Traumatic Easter Disorder, or a sudden cult-like interest in the Animorphs.

   The students at the University of Maryland have been expressing voracious opinions on the situation. Many believe that the culprit was being symbolic, perhaps recreating an exaggerated ending to the tortoise and hare story; they feel that the suspect tainted the renowned childhood fable. Students from all University of Maryland walks of life were edging to share their opinion on the incident.

  “Brah… brah. He was probably just tryna get some Testudo luck with the bitches. Shoulda put some Natty on him instead. Testudo loves Natty,” said Mitch “Fuckin Ya Bitch” Carter, a sophomore Beta Rho Omega pledge. He then proceeded to bark like Rick Ross, rip off his lax pinnie, and chug a handle of Burnetts.

   Trying to better capture the area’s response to the incident, the Cow Nipple reached out to well-known figures for statements, although this also proved unhelpful.

   Alexander Song may or may not have been quoted saying, “I fucked with McKeldin first.”

   When President Loh was reached for comments, he simply responded, “Loh-no!” and proceeded to chastise the Cow Nipple reporters for employing such terrible puns in their articles.

   University of Maryland police are still searching for the suspect, armed with angry whispers about animal cruelty and a prepared charge of “Disturbing the Peace.” Not all law enforcement are on the same page, though. The Po-Aux think everyone should just chill out and have a donut.

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Dear all those people I donated blood to,
Hey. How's it going? You probably don't know me, but you kind of do. You see, I've been donating blood for the past five years now as often as possible, as I have a particularly rare type of blood. Oh, I'm not going to boast and reveal what it is, as I'm not that kind of guy. Well, I'll give you a hint. It starts with the first two letters of the alphabet, and it's the opposite of positive. It's not that hard to figure out. I'll wait until you solve it, and meet you next paragraph.
If you're reading this, you better have finished that riddle. If you realized that you indeed have that type of blood, and you've been in some terrible accident or contracted some terrible disease within the past five years that required numerous blood transfusions, you're welcome. How's that life you still continue to lead, huh? Yeah, it was no big deal. I'm just a guy with a big heart and a dick to match. I gave you life-saving all too rare blood and asked for nothing in return. God, I'm awesome.
Even though needles make my tummy feel weird, and the sight of blood makes me pass out, I've managed to donate blood once a week for the past five years. Yeah, it was mainly for the free cookies and juice, and because I really wanted to bone the nurse that took the blood, but it was also because I'm just a swell guy. I love the power I have in my veins that allows me to save the weak people, such as yourself. Everything you did since the accident, I'm semi-responsible for, and you're welcome.
So what did you do with that prolonged lease on life that I generously gave you? Have a few kids? Yeah, I'm responsible for those. Why not name one after me? Did you get a nice, high paying job, and marry a woman with a large posterior? Every time you feel dat ass, you shouldn't be thinking of sexytime, you should be thinking of me. I'm the reason you get to feel that booty, and not be in the cold, dark ground as you should be because of your lack of decent driving skills. Again, you're welcome.
Now, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to demand some kind of financial compensation for this deed that I do with no concern for my health and well being. I just do it for the good feeling I get every time I realize that someone walking down the street that should be dead totally isn't because of how kindhearted and selfless I am. That feeling is called a power boner, and it's the best kind of boner.
However, I would like some kind of thank you. After all, I have been putting numerous “you're welcome”'s in this letter, without hearing any thanks whatsoever. I'm starting to get mighty restless about this. How about some flowers, or perhaps a membership to a cheese of the month club (no Edible Arrangements, though, as those are stupid)? Perhaps you take me out to coffee or something. I mean, it's not like I did anything, besides, oh, that's right, save your pathetic stupid life. Again, you're fucking welcome.
And even if you don't have my type of blood, mayhaps you know someone who does, possibly a parental figure. Without me, you could possibly be in an orphanage, praying that someone takes you, but oh wait, nobody wants to adopt someone with red hair, freakshow. You grow up maladjusted, and abnormal, and become a furry. Without me, all that could've happened to you, and it fucking didn't, did it, so you're welcome.
I don't take much to please, just a simple thank you and possibly a nice steak dinner. Then, who knows, I might choke on that steak, and you happen to know the Heimlich maneuver. You save my life, and we can finally call it squarsies. Because how else can you repay the gift of life? Oh, that's right, life is goddamn priceless. Without me, you're nowhere, pussy! I am a god. And until you acknowledge that, I will keep writing you letters. But who am I? Oh, that's right, the guy that donated the blood that saved your worthless life. You're fucking welcome.